December is a great time for reflection
The one word I would use to reflect this year is "understanding" this word means to sympathetically be aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving. The reason this word can reflect my year is because until this year I couldn't get why things were the way they were, I blamed myself sometimes rightly, but often there was nothing that I could of had control over, I amassed regret over years of my life, I've felt that way for a length of time, until I had realized something from a generic response my friend had given to the question "if you could change one regret you have what would you change?" he said "none, because I wouldn't be who I am now" and I responded to repeat myself, but cut myself off because in that moment I'd realized that I was wrong and his response was good, I thought to about that and I found that for myself I can be grateful for the things I regret because they've brought me understanding, of people, myself, situations, and outcomes. being understanding is easy to do, but hard to realize knowing others intentions is difficult to accept when you can understand every motive is justified because it is undeniably honest. This friend and I haven't been the same since I left our hometown and moved with my sister for a year, removing consistency and a positive encounter we relied upon each other for changed us and I had to be honest with myself about that although we can rationalize out feelings on being separated for a year our inner self felt abandonment, I had to be understanding about this realization I knew he felt. As the summer went on patches of isolation became normal between us sometimes after too much of each other, but most times unexplained, with no communication my mind wondered the overthinking took over and I hurt myself, being understanding meant not being able to resent him, knowing his actions was the only signals I received, this took much effort for me, and months went by I knew he felt guilt and couldn’t handle it, he’d never tell me that or show he cared and I always understood why, some people need you to love them more than show back to you, people can say it’s twisted, but it’s understandable with unconditional empathy. It got to the point where I couldn’t give effort and my emotions coming from my inner self took over and gave him an out, one he didn’t feel he caused, one that didn’t make him feel guilty. and I lost him. It’s easy to know he has others, it’s easy to know he doesn’t care as much, it’s not easy because my love is unrestricted and understanding.
